Twenty Eleven was a year you didn’t live out.
You didn’t get to be what you wanted.
You stayed the same.
You did nothing to be different.
Granted, you’ve acted differently, carried yourself differently, but you also closed and opened a lot of doors for many people.
I hope you’re not planning to do this for this year.
I hope this year you’re aware that this could be the last that you’ll have everyone together.
No one’s going to be around forever. No one’s going to hold your hand forever.
So stick to your regular philosophy in life.
That you need no one.
That you need no one but yourself to keep that chin up.
That you need no one but yourself to tell you what you can and can’t do.
This is it.
This is the year you’re waiting for.
This year will not be the same.
You will change for the better, whether people like it or not.
To this, I say, don’t worry.
Everything will be all right.
You’re not very religious, you keep your faith, but just in case,
God offers you just that: the possibility of a worry-free life. Not just less worry, but no worry. He created a dome for your heart. “His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7 NLT).
Do not look ahead in fear but look back in appreciation.
I think I have enough toxins in my body to actually conjure up the courage for this lengthy tale.
To you.
I like you. I like your smile. I like that…something about you.
Like my friend who’s going through the (almost) exact same thing at the moment, there’s something about you, something I see inside you, something that tells me “You are worth it.” But I just don’t know how to get in your good graces.
I’ll make this short and sweet.
I don’t know if you like me back. I don’t know how to get closer. I don’t know if you would like to put in the same effort as I would. I don’t know how you function. I don’t know what you think of me and honestly, I think I’m just a person who you would push away if I try to help. Right now, I’m at a standstill. Drop me if you find me annoying or useless. Please.
To you.
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to see what you’ve been doing for me.
I’m sorry I wasn’t a good friend, and that I wasn’t a good person to have a relationship with.
You say that the cause of our separation was both our selfishness, but in truth, it was my selfishness. That I always picked someone over you. That I picked the one I wasn’t sure of being able to get, rather than looking to you, the person that’s always been there, that’s always been supporting me and takes time out of your day to leave me small bits of happiness in your life to mine. I’m sorry that I’ve neglected you and that now, what we shaped together isn’t the same anymore. I hope to rebuild it, and I hope to persuade you that I’m a different person. One that actually pays attention and puts in effort.
With this being said, good night.
Room smells like alcohol and nicotine, woo.
Still apprehensive. Even more than I was.
I’ve always been insecure. I don’t know what it is with me and people.
Maybe it’s the thought of how other people, more importantly, a significant other, prioritizes.
I know it’s…looked down upon. Though, I don’t necessarily think it’s stupid…
But I tend to put significant others (Not just others) above me and above…say…school. It’s my belief. I don’t know why people judge me for it.
Sure, I’m still not prepared for life, that I’m literally still learning, but think about it. After acquiring a stable career and if I really love the person, obviously they will be my first priority since:
1) A job is a job, it’s expendable, it’s everywhere, my first job wont be the last.
2) I wont have school. Why should I still have that as a priority? I have a friggin job already.
Even now, if someone is to step into my life, they’ll be the first priority. Stupid? No. I’m just thinking ahead. Why do people prioritize school? Are you unable to balance it out? Are you unable to build up confidence for yourself so you take time out your time with your significant other to go over the same notes that still still make no sense? It’s sacrifice. Expect more of it. Now I’m not saying oh, you’re gonna fail your classes because of your significant other, no. That’s only if you really do suck at organizing.
“Never put someone above you” “Never compensate for anyone’s mistake.” If I do neither of those things, how will I able to offer them anything, or at the least even understand/rationalize someone’s view? It’s dangerous opening up such a position to someone that could break you apart. But how else will you set the bar of trust?
Why would you put a job or anything above your significant other?
You are to love this person. If you’re in the office and they call for an emergency, you get your ass into that same place where they stand and you make damn sure they have what they need. Even if it’s not to that extremity, if they need something, or if they want something, you try your best to give the same or a similar result that they look for.
Anyway, that’s just the background, the big picture I really want to touch is the insecurity I have. I tend to…be clingy? I guess? At least I think I am. I’ve been told that I am. Though I guess it depends on the person and how they hear it. Personal space is a big issue for me when it comes to people. I don’t want to message/call/text every single damn second, that’s too much, maybe sometimes not even every day. Sometimes there’s a day where I think you’re busy or you’re out, so I just don’t text. I’m scared of..I guess, being annoying?
I’m afraid that they wont do the same. I’m afraid that they wont commit the same. That there will be no equilibrium, nor the best of both worlds, just a huge imbalance and the same feeling again. I’m not saying that about you, but every single time I’ve entered a relationship, it’s that same feeling. That same weight on me that says “They don’t care about you as much as you care about them.” And for some fucking stupid reason, I always try to put in the most effort, even when it’s bleeding obvious they aren’t trying.
At this moment, I’ve pressed the send button so many times but I keep dragging that thumb away so it doesn’t send. I don’t want to seem like I’m not interested, but at the same time I don’t want to seem clingy. I don’t mind texting everyday, I don’t mind calling every day, but what I do mind is if I take up more time that /you/ set for me. Not only that, but there’s something else in the back of my head that says you like someone. (That isn’t me.)
I care not about who it is, but all I want to know is:
Need I wait?
At this point, it doesn’t matter how long if I’m going to.
I believe it’s worth it in the end.
That overwhelming aura that surrounds you when you just feel like crying.
It’s like something cultivates in your head that makes you want to jerk your tears out. Let it be memories, regrets, things, people, and pets you may have lost, they pop up suddenly just to increase the chances of that tear gliding on your cheek.
I’m having one of those moments right now. I hate that it comes out of nowhere. That there’s no warning and that it just hits you whenever. Usually when everyone’s asleep or you’re alone. Music is supposed to help you, but it suddenly turns its back on you and gives you more of a reason to cry.
I don’t know about you, but I’ll be as personal as I can be in this blog, since there is no mention of my sex, age, and general identity.
But what issue I’ve been touching on a lot is a person whom I’ve lost, whom I’ve dearly loved and who cannot be forgotten. Someone who have influenced me so much in life, done so many things with and as cliche as it sounds, made me the person who I am today.
I shall call this person “y”.
Y was born in Vietnam. Grew up in Hanoi with parents from Ho Chi Minh City. Y really liked that country. Always busy, always traveling, always working, y finally stopped in the state I was in. Luckily, I started school the same way y did. So we became friends, as early as x year students. From then, it was a game of who could be nicer to the other, always trying to one up each other, may it be spending money or simple hugs, everything was a challenge. It went from simply buying milk for each other to bigger, more meaningful things. Pencils, scents, accessories, clothing, stuffed animals, roses, shoes, plane tickets, smiles. No matter what the cost, may it be a cent to a grand, Y would always treat it as the same magnitude as if it were something amazing. Fast forward a few years later, twelve year students. It was inevitable for us to be together. We shared our smiles, our kisses, our notes, our phone calls, our embraces, but most of all, our love. Never did we argue. Never did we quarrel. We were kids, but that does not mean we acted like it. I guess the closes thing we could have called a fight was yelling at each other on Christmas time. Arguing what to get each other, regardless of the price.
“You can’t buy happiness, so it doesn’t matter what you get me, just don’t waste your money!” “But I know you’ve wanted this for so long, as you said, regardless of the price, I’m still getting it for you!” “No!” “Yes.”
Another year passed, it is now 2009, and I didn’t know it would have been the last year I spent with Y. By then our love was still strong! I guess you could say we were stuck on the puppy love phase for a good couple of years, but would you really call that puppy love? Anyway, Month after month, ignorant and clueless of what’s about to come, I have only realized how much I had loved y. Going to the same college, going to live in the same house, going to have a future together, there was nothing that was stopping that.
It was random. I was preparing for someone’s birthday party. I received a call from Y’s best friend, saying Y had been sent to the hospital. Impossible! Y was just on the way here from the market with Y’s mom along with the party favors.
I called y’s mom.
She said the same thing.
I held a conversation for approximately ten minutes before I actually started believing them.
I went to the hospital, hoping to support and care for Y, but by then y was gone.
It’s a grim feeling walking up to a lifeless body, hoping for it to respond. Nothing out of the movies, no bloody mess, no syringes or bandages, just a blanket, and a lifeless body. I had just lost someone I thought I was going to spend my life with.
They were taken away without my knowledge. Apparently, a drunk driver had hit the car head of from the passenger side and the shock threw the neck too fast.
The driver had also died, but as cold as it sounds, the more important person that was lost was Y.
It’s not the money or the time spent that matters when you lose someone. It’s that someone that really matters. It’s that someone that makes you smile when you feel like shit. It’s that same someone that picks you up when you need a hand. It’s that someone who stays up, sneaks out, and have long walks with you so you can clear your mind that matters the most. It’s that someone you are proud of. That you can pridefully say “Mine.”
I wish no one experiences this. No one deserves to have something so great taken away from them.
Because now I visit a grave every birthday. Every day that y departed. Every fucking moment spent is thinking about y. About what would have happened if nothing like that happened. Worst of all, nothing can be done about it.
Well, now you know.
I wasn’t really sure how you were going to react, haha.
As I told you, I was quite apprehensive.
But yeah, there was something that just told me to say that.
I honestly don’t know what it was.
Something told me that I should support you as much as I can.
That I should do more than just leave small hints and actually take action.
Something told me that if I were to care, to support, and to just be there, it would be worth the effort. That it wont be a one sided thing. That I’ll be making a difference.
I just don’t know how to initiate that. I would like to help, but it’s like you don’t require help, as if you were independent, and I have no problem with that, it’s just that I’ll have to find a way to help you another way, rather than the conventional way. And that if I do those things, to care, to support, and to just be there…you will return them at an equal amount, which anyone has yet to do.
I mean I know you’re not perfect.. I know that sometimes you don’t try your best, that some days you just don’t feel like putting in effort. I just wanna be there to give you that little push so you can be on your way. It hurts me to see you…well..hurt. That there’s still something in your life that’s on the back of your head, possibly 24/7, that distracts you. That prevents you from having a good time, or doing your work thoroughly. That in the end, it takes away from your potential. And that’s what I want to get rid of, or at least help on.
It’s funny. At this short amount of time, you’ve done a handful.
You’ve influenced me a little, believe it or not.
Less partying, more bookwork.
More reading books than watching tv. (You might have a clue as to which book I’ve started reading.)
More time trying to figure out how to help you rather than to help myself.
That your smile is something worth fighting for.
That’s saying a lot, I know.
I just don’t know how else to put it.
I’m tired. Exhausted.
Tired of looking nice. Or looking like I’m always happy.
For once, I want to have an image that I am a human being. But not the same as everyone else. That I’m vulnerable, not weak. Not helpless, but fragile.
Always flirty, always happy, always looking up, it’s just as a double edged sword as being strict, passive, and pessimistic.
There’s nothing to learn from either side, it’s just that the lifestyles seem to compliment each other, saying that it wants you to crave to be the other side.
And if you try to be in the middle, you become lost, which I believe I have become.
P.S. To self: You fall for people too easily, did you know that? You have to cut that out!
This year is coming to an end and you have done nothing to change. I expect better results by the end of this year or you’re going to off yourself at the age of **.
-xx
“A crush is the most painful thing you could ever endure in your life other than someone breaking your heart…Oh wait, theyre the same thing. If you want to hurt, just have a crush on someone. You have to live with that. If you ever take the risk of having your crush find out that you like her, be prepared for the consequences.:Her not liking you, her embarrasing you forever, and having her like your best friend. It hurts so much, and it will be hard for you to like new people”
Even today, you fall for someone/like someone too easily, did you know that? It doesn’t just hurt you, but it also hurts people around you. You’re pretty selfish and inconsiderate. Anywho, you should really cut that out. Live life a little…..less tense, you know. There’s a reason why they call those things what they are. It’s because they end up like the verb that they’re called. For now, just drink. Drink till the tears are gone and the thoughts about your ex are flushed down the drain. It’s a bad idea, but it usually works.
Hey,
How have you been? I miss you.
You know, I miss the way you talk.
It was always so fluid and vivid, like you were the narrator of everything.
It showed me how much in touch you are with people and how much you were in control of your own life. I loved how you would describe things in a silly way, just to make sure everyone was on the same page as you. I tried doing that, but I just end up sounding too silly for my own good and have everyone laugh at me.
If you didn’t know, I started smoking again. I’m sorry. I know I wasn’t supposed to but ever since you left I just couldn’t stop, you know?
I know it’s bad, I know you wouldn’t want this, so I’m going to stop, even my dear friend told me to and I made her a promise I would stop so I have no choice!
I just wonder how you are right now..
I hope you’re okay, I hope you’re content!
I know I would be if I didn’t have to go to school or deal with work..
I also wonder what it would have been like if you were here.
I wonder what would have happened if we were still together. Do you sometimes wonder, too?..Every time I smoke I think about you. It’s hard to tell because most of the time I laugh, but deep down inside I keep you in the back of my head..it’s like that quote from that movie, “Old boy”, “Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep, and you weep alone.” Don’t you agree? Sorry, I’m going on a tangent here.
But it’s hard not to think about you.
I just want you to know that I still haven’t forgotten about you. And I don’t think I ever will. No, I’m not just saying that, I really mean it. I miss our times together. From short talks to long talks from morning to night, and the first kiss.
You really helped me with the way I grew up. From tying my shoe to math problems, you were my professor. My best friend. A lover. I’m not going to say you’re the ultimate one, but you definitely were the first to show me the different side of you. The different side of the world. A different way of living.
I really miss you. Every time this day comes I tremble and fear for everyone because of what happened..it’s just a sad reminder that you’re not here anymore.
I know you would want me to forget, to move on and live life without thinking about you, but that’s impossible. I love you, okay? I really do mean it, even if you’re not here anymore.
Please be okay. I hope to see you soon.
Happy Birthday.
Make a wish from the heavens for me.
- Love, xx
It’s funny.
You always fall for the one.
“The one.”
The one you think is special and will change your life drastically from a normal life to some type of movie-esque life.
It’s totally fine to do that, but what you’re really looking at behind the smoke screen is just another someone. A someone who will soon become someone you gave your all but never gave the exact same amount back.
It’s a recurring theme. You always do this.
Over and over you do this, and you damn well know you haven’t changed at all.
You’re still a kid.
You’re still an infant.
You have not expanded your knowledge about love.
Sure, it’s big, but nothing else has been learned, nor given.
You are going nowhere.
You’re always going to think “the next one will be the game ender.”
“She’ll be the last.”
“She’ll be the perfect one.”
“No matter what anyone says, I’ll try my best to keep it together and keep us happy.”
But really in the end it’s never you. It’s always them. You’re just afraid of telling them off how they’re not putting in the same effort as you and you feel like you’re the one carrying the weight of the relationship.
And this was supposed to be the perfect one.
You said that how many ex’s ago?
Yeah.
I don’t even know what I strive for anymore.
Everything is unorganized.
Nothing is going according to plan.
Keeping the head up gets harder throughout the day and every week is a carbon copy of the week before.
The more people I met, the more time I wasted. The more memories I create, the less progress I achieve for my future. I want to settle. To go out for a bit on Fridays and have fun, rather than staying up late and getting wasted. Sure, it can be fun, but it’s just so repetitive and it doesn’t even get me excited anymore. I want to be able to call someone my own, take them out somewhere simple, drive back home and have a nice movie night or something rather than drinking the bad thoughts away.
There’s so little I can say but so much I have in my mind that it drives me crazy.
Over and over I was told that there’s no one else to rely on but yourself, but did she really mean that?
I would love to ask her, but sadly I can’t.
Life would be easier if it just didn’t happen.
As I read through the history in which we wrote, I grow weary and frail.
The laughs, the cries, the conversations and the humbleness towards one another near the end, it makes me want to choose the other decision, rather than this one.
There’s a sense of remorse, and oddly enough, a sense of serenity.
I’m not glad it did happen, nor am I disappointed that it didn’t.
I’m just somewhere in the middle.
Where I always am.
Where I am never able to decide on what I want.
And when I do, I always look back.
I always look into what I have done and wonder that what I chose would have been better than the other.
More often than not, if I had a chance to change decisions, I would.
But for this type of thing I, sadly, cannot.
I still long for you, and if I stop this habit like I promised this certain person that I did, I hope I stop thinking of you.
For now, please be safe.
I hope to get an update about your life soon.
But how likely would that happen?
Our consistency of not caring about each other at this very moment is impeccable.
I don’t know how you people do it.
I’m sick of hearing other people’s stories/problems.
I don’t know why but I just lost interest in helping people.
Don’t get me wrong, I care about my friends and I
love them to death but something about people opening
up and expecting the same amount of open arms after
talking about their problems makes me cringe.
I know you’re not going to keep it up.
I know you wont care after you tell your story.
I know that all you want is someone to talk to,
anyone to talk to in that moment just so you
feel that weight get taken off your shoulders.
It just ends the same way
every. fucking. time.
it’s not surprising anymore, so anytime I hear
about people’s problems, I just tend to stay away.
I used to help a lot, I used to really want people to
be content with themselves, even if it meant taking
my time (studying or something). But now, people
are selfish, and I’ve taken that into consideration and
since it’s so efficient, it has influenced with the way
I act now. I seriously don’t know how you people can do it.
More power to you. Being able to brush off people’s problems
may give me a heartless image, but what doesn’t concern me
does not benefit me in any way shape or form other than gossip.
So, sorry friends, don’t take it personally if I don’t bite the bait when
you open yourself up.
I just don’t want to deal with anything that’s useless to my function as a human being.
I hate myself.
Now I regret it.
I don’t even know why, but I’m clouded with tribulation. It had just popped up recently, no idea why.
Watching you grow up from afar, there’s no doubt you’ve changed but you still keep the same attitude and you still seem sincere.
I still regret it. I should have just chosen you. I was a fool, I know. Cliche, but every time this particular song comes up, I can’t help but think of you.
I promised my twin to stop a certain vice, but I want to do it once more for the last time, and that last time will hopefully rid you from my thoughts which keeps me sleepless at night. I loved you, but even at that age, I was a fool. I didn’t know what I wanted, and I still don’t, currently. And I wont for a while, if not, ever.
But I hope you’re okay.
I can’t really ask because we’ve been absent from each others lives for quite a while now and last time I heard of you was when you took up the same vices as I did.
It’s hard to describe how I feel currently, but lets just say its content dabbed with sadness. I just can’t get over my mistake.
I miss you.
Very, very much.
We knew what we did to each other and how we affected each other, yet I failed to comprehend how significant that was. I guess the lesson is learned, never compromise distance and settle for what you have that is closer to you physically. Now all I can do is vicariously think up of how we may ended up if we were together, if I did choose you, if I wasn’t such a fool.
I do love you. Every little piece of you.
But it’s much too late for that.
We all regret something.
We are told it is healthier not to, but I respectfully disagree.
Sure, it saves us the grief and the acknowledgment of what we did wrong, but it also shows us what we fucked up on, what could we have improved, and how we have changed since then.
One thing I still regret is still not taking my chance with you.
I was an idiot, really.
Many nights, I thought of you and to this day, every time I smoke, you still pop up.
I’ve made an error on my side. I should have never given you up.
You don’t really know how much I miss you.
It was foolish of me but all I can do now is see how you do from afar.
Because we never directly talk anymore, nor do we make an effort to ever since that incident.
I’m sorry.
Sometimes I wonder how we would have turned out but that just doesn’t cut it.
I feel weak if I do.
I feel like an idiot.
And I will not be made a fool of.
Especially by myself.
ugh. This ego will be the end of me.
I respect you too much to let you go, to be honest.
I miss you and I really wish to help how I did before.
But it’s over. And I really can’t do much because
….well, just because.
For now I’ll just let it die, just like this flower.
Au revoir.
Fluctuation.
Looking at myself either worsens my mood or brings it down.
What have I done in life?
What have I done for other people?
I take a look from other people’s perspective and try to look at what they see me as.
A lover. A friend. An enemy. An ex lover. A philosopher. A Brother. An idiot. A prodigy.
A perfect partner. (Have yet to experience and prove)
Countless times I have helped, antagonized, done deeds and vices, and proved my humanity (or inhumanity) to people.
What scares me is not what other people think, that’s always meaningless to me.
It’s what I’ll become in the near future, the unknown.