Still apprehensive. Even more than I was.
I’ve always been insecure. I don’t know what it is with me and people.
Maybe it’s the thought of how other people, more importantly, a significant other, prioritizes.
I know it’s…looked down upon. Though, I don’t necessarily think it’s stupid…
But I tend to put significant others (Not just others) above me and above…say…school. It’s my belief. I don’t know why people judge me for it.
Sure, I’m still not prepared for life, that I’m literally still learning, but think about it. After acquiring a stable career and if I really love the person, obviously they will be my first priority since:
1) A job is a job, it’s expendable, it’s everywhere, my first job wont be the last.
2) I wont have school. Why should I still have that as a priority? I have a friggin job already.
Even now, if someone is to step into my life, they’ll be the first priority. Stupid? No. I’m just thinking ahead. Why do people prioritize school? Are you unable to balance it out? Are you unable to build up confidence for yourself so you take time out your time with your significant other to go over the same notes that still still make no sense? It’s sacrifice. Expect more of it. Now I’m not saying oh, you’re gonna fail your classes because of your significant other, no. That’s only if you really do suck at organizing.
“Never put someone above you” “Never compensate for anyone’s mistake.” If I do neither of those things, how will I able to offer them anything, or at the least even understand/rationalize someone’s view? It’s dangerous opening up such a position to someone that could break you apart. But how else will you set the bar of trust?
Why would you put a job or anything above your significant other?
You are to love this person. If you’re in the office and they call for an emergency, you get your ass into that same place where they stand and you make damn sure they have what they need. Even if it’s not to that extremity, if they need something, or if they want something, you try your best to give the same or a similar result that they look for.

Anyway, that’s just the background, the big picture I really want to touch is the insecurity I have. I tend to…be clingy? I guess? At least I think I am. I’ve been told that I am. Though I guess it depends on the person and how they hear it. Personal space is a big issue for me when it comes to people. I don’t want to message/call/text every single damn second, that’s too much, maybe sometimes not even every day. Sometimes there’s a day where I think you’re busy or you’re out, so I just don’t text. I’m scared of..I guess, being annoying?
I’m afraid that they wont do the same. I’m afraid that they wont commit the same. That there will be no equilibrium, nor the best of both worlds, just a huge imbalance and the same feeling again. I’m not saying that about you, but every single time I’ve entered a relationship, it’s that same feeling. That same weight on me that says “They don’t care about you as much as you care about them.” And for some fucking stupid reason, I always try to put in the most effort, even when it’s bleeding obvious they aren’t trying.

At this moment, I’ve pressed the send button so many times but I keep dragging that thumb away so it doesn’t send. I don’t want to seem like I’m not interested, but at the same time I don’t want to seem clingy. I don’t mind texting everyday, I don’t mind calling every day, but what I do mind is if I take up more time that /you/ set for me. Not only that, but there’s something else in the back of my head that says you like someone. (That isn’t me.)

I care not about who it is, but all I want to know is:

Need I wait?
At this point, it doesn’t matter how long if I’m going to.
I believe it’s worth it in the end.